.

And so tonight I lay in the bed. Exhausted. Emotionally. Tears won’t stop. 

My heart is so full of love but completely broken.

What have I done wrong.

I just want you here to hold me so I can feel safe like I always do. In your arms.

What happened?

Why does it feel like all of this had happened before? I thought everything was fine; then you suddenly hit me with something that is pretty hard to swallow. I feel like I'm losing you. I feel like were losing each other. I'm sorry. This is not fair. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm confused. But most importantly, I'm scared. Please don't take this letter as a guilt trip to bring you back. I respect you and your feelings. I understand that there are some things you have to go through by yourself. I know you need a break. But I have to fight for us. Not because I'm afraid to lose you, but because it's the only thing I know how to do.

You have my heart. As simple as it sounds, it is also the truest thing I can admit.  I love those rare moments when you wrap your hands around my waist while we walk. You were never for public displays of affection and every time you do that, it just sends me over the clouds. I'm pretty sure you have no idea just how much you affect me. I love how even the corniest and most juvenile things make you hysterical like a little kid. And how your laugh is so contagious that everyone around you starts laughing when you do. Even just thinking about it now brings a comical grin on my lips. Every simple thing you do completes my day: a smile, a kiss, or even a text telling me to bundle up because it’s extra cold outside. You are too much for me. And I love it.

I miss you. So much, my chest literally hurts. Just like Blair's love is for Chuck, mine for you is all-consuming.

But don’t worry, I’m a strong girl.

I'll keep holding on. Patience and Understanding: those are what I need right now. And maybe some chocolates. It's Valentines Day after all.

LookBook

5years.

6 years ago, I met you. And I don't know what, but you had a certain something that made me notice you. You were my crush, secretly. Maybe because back then you were chasing someone else. Then, I don't know what happened, but I guess you noticed me too? Not even a month passed, you asked me out. I accepted. Then we tried dating, though it didn't work out because you confused your feelings for her with me. The day before valentines day, and two days before our first month, you broke up with me. My first love, my first heartbreak. Then, I promised myself that I would never let a guy enter that easily into my heart. Boy, was I wrong.

Almost a year passed and a lot of dramas happened: we became best friends and you kept on chasing her while I kept comforting you. I also kept asking myself why I stay with you when I knew I was holding on to nothing. I guess I never really got over you. 5 years ago in October, you got what you've been wishing for all year. She finally loved you back, and that time, it was real. But that time, you didn't anymore. Because that time, you said you missed your best friend more than her. Every night, you wanted to talk to your best friend on the phone instead of her. When there was a sleepover at a friend's house, you wanted to sleep near your best friend, not her. That time, you said you love me, and not her. Now, this was not my plan. I never wanted to be a "boyfriend stealer". I was really contented with my situation and wished for nothing more than you to be happy, even if it was with her. But then, I still couldn't deny that fact that I loved you, the reason I have been staying by your side. So i broke my promise. Not even a month later, 5 years ago in November 15, we became 'us'. And then my forever began.

You became my everything. The best part of my day. Your good morning text brightens my morning while your voice on the phone was my lullaby at night. Even one text from you can turn my lousy day around. You know, I loved how you never run out of things to talk about. I loved how you can think of a joke just like that to make me laugh. I loved how every time I get mad, you know just what to do so I won't get mad at you anymore. I loved how you talk about the future, our future. I loved you. And now, on our fifth anniversary together, I can say that I love you more than yesterday, and I know I will love you even more tomorrow, until forever. I can't believe how far we've have come together.

I am proud of us. We've been through hell and back, and after all that, you're still here. I admit, more than once I wanted to give up on us, but you didn't walk away. So now I want to say thanks. Thank you for always choosing to stay. You always set your pride aside when it comes to me and I am grateful for that. I know I am still learning to do that, but I know that you won't let me go. Thank you for your endless patience. Thank you for listening to everything I have to say. Because of that, I learned to be confident of my feelings, to have faith in myself, to love myself. Thank you for five years of memories with you. Memories I will treasure forever. Thank you for being the best guy a girl could ask for. Thank you for being who you are.

Finally, I just want to say again that I love you. And that I won't ever get tired of saying it. Every relationship has their own definition of forever. Some lasts for a month, a year, 2 years, then its over. For us, I know it's far from that. Our forever's not done yet. I don't think it will ever be.

blogging again.

i am still hesitant to use this blog again. But then again, I do miss the feeling of typing out what I want to say. I am not the most outspoken person in the world, and sometimes my feelings are too strong to be just kept inside. I miss blogging. I miss having something where I can pour my heart out in words, because I know I can't do it verbally. This blog had been a space for me and my thoughts of mostly just random and senseless things. And for the past few days, my mind had been filled with those stuff. I need somewhere to put it. so, welcome again. :)


~

Jerk.

Today, I realized that I have not been respecting myself the way I am supposed to. For a girl, anything that has to do with intimacy is a big deal. And I just realized that today. If it hadn't been for this guy who made me feel so low about myself, I'd still blindly succumb to anything he wishes or desires. So maybe I'll thank him a little. But that's it. I just had to rant about this today. Kicking me out just after he got what he wanted? Like seriously? Is that a right way to treat a girl? I felt so used. He made me felt cheap. And the worst part is, HE got mad because I was pissed. He got mad because he didn't understand why I got mad. It has always been like this every time. He just asked me why I was mad without even trying to think back on what he may have done that got me ticked. I deserve more than this.

-= Cherished Memories =-

For the people who had been a part of my life...
Leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot. It doesn't matter if I've tagged you or not.
Don't send a message, leave a comment on here. Re-post this in yours and see how many people leave a memory about you. =)
Please share the memories that we had together.. =)

grrr.

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oh I HAVE A LIFE, that's why i don't go messaging people i don't know saying stuff about broken hearts or whatever. unlike you. anyways, i don't even remember saying anything about "knowing everything about life", so what the hell are you squabbling about? or you just can't say anything smart? so yeah, ok then, good for you. I'll get a life - even though I already have one - and you try to get one too. then maybe you won't message me any more. i really hope so. so good riddance. have a nice life. and if you still can't get one, just go burn in hell. i don't need people like you.