Five shots

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Five shots, one broken heart, too many tears, and no names forgotten.

Today sucked.

Goodbye letter.

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Hi.

 First of all I just want to say Thank you for everything. You have taught me so much about everything. You taught me how to love, forgive, swallow my pride. Thank you for being so patient with me, for caring about me, and for loving me. I could have never asked for a better guy than you. Thank you for growing with me, for all the experiences, memories, that we had. I just want to let you know that I will always treasure them in my heart. I’m not gonna be who I am today without you.  

Second, I’m sorry for ever taking you for granted. I was going through all our text messages to each other before you asked for time apart. I realized that I was taking you for granted. I can’t help thinking that maybe if I didn’t turn down your invitations to go out, or maybe if I would’ve been more concerned and sensitive when you started getting sad, this may have never came to this. But I guess it’s too late now. Sorry for all the nonsense arguments that I started and for being so sensitive and insensitive at the wrong times.

I’m crying for the last seven years that we’ve been through. I honestly can’t remember any significant time in my life that you weren’t there. It’s gonna be so much hard to forget those last seven years when all of my happiest moments were with you, and were because of you. I’m crying for all the broken promises we had for each other. I’m crying for all our plans and all our dreams that may never happen. My vision of our lives in 5, 10 and 15 years had been so clear in my head, it’s really gonna be hard for me to let go. I’m lifting everything up to God, because I don’t know how to go on from here.

As much as it hurts, I have to say that I love you. And I probably always will. You are my first love, and I was so sure that you were gonna be my last too. No matter what I do, I know I’m still going to love you. I just want to let you know that I’ll stand by you for everything. God knows how much I tried to fight for us.

It breaks my heart that “we” have to end. But I know, I understand, that I have to let you go. And set you free. I just want to let you know that you deserve every happiness you get out of what you’re looking for. Don’t ever think yourself as a failure, because you’re just being true with yourself. Be strong for yourself. Be brave. You deserve everything. All the happiness, love, and affection that may happen to you.

As I write this, I’m still going over every possibility the will see through this. And I want to say "goodbye, for now". But it’s unfair for you to keep thinking about me. So this is just goodbye. You finally have the chance to focus on yourself. Please take care of yourself. Be smart. I know you’re responsible enough to not make decisions that you’ll regret. I so, so much more to say to you, but this is all I can for now. Always pray to God. He is the only one who can ultimately help you. I can only wish you peace of mind and happiness. 

I love you. 

Goodbye.

.

And so tonight I lay in the bed. Exhausted. Emotionally. Tears won’t stop. 

My heart is so full of love but completely broken.

What have I done wrong.

I just want you here to hold me so I can feel safe like I always do. In your arms.

What happened?

Why does it feel like all of this had happened before? I thought everything was fine; then you suddenly hit me with something that is pretty hard to swallow. I feel like I'm losing you. I feel like were losing each other. I'm sorry. This is not fair. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm confused. But most importantly, I'm scared. Please don't take this letter as a guilt trip to bring you back. I respect you and your feelings. I understand that there are some things you have to go through by yourself. I know you need a break. But I have to fight for us. Not because I'm afraid to lose you, but because it's the only thing I know how to do.

You have my heart. As simple as it sounds, it is also the truest thing I can admit.  I love those rare moments when you wrap your hands around my waist while we walk. You were never for public displays of affection and every time you do that, it just sends me over the clouds. I'm pretty sure you have no idea just how much you affect me. I love how even the corniest and most juvenile things make you hysterical like a little kid. And how your laugh is so contagious that everyone around you starts laughing when you do. Even just thinking about it now brings a comical grin on my lips. Every simple thing you do completes my day: a smile, a kiss, or even a text telling me to bundle up because it’s extra cold outside. You are too much for me. And I love it.

I miss you. So much, my chest literally hurts. Just like Blair's love is for Chuck, mine for you is all-consuming.

But don’t worry, I’m a strong girl.

I'll keep holding on. Patience and Understanding: those are what I need right now. And maybe some chocolates. It's Valentines Day after all.